


Show Me How To Live (Fifty Songs To Save Your Life)

by Loor



Series: Alex and Dylan Universe [3]
Category: The Cab
Genre: F/M, Letters to an unborn child, Love, Past and Present, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3192590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loor/pseuds/Loor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Music always helps. No matter what you’re going through. So if you fail a big test or have a really bad break-up… or you just miss someone so bad it hurts. No matter what, I promise music will help you get through it.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Three months into her pregnancy Dylan is told by her gynecologist that her complaints aren’t those of a normal pregnancy. When Dylan realizes that not only the baby’s life is in danger, but her own as well, she writes a letter to her unborn child.</p><p>Included in the letter are 50 songs to save your life, each of which has a special meaning to Dylan. Each song tells a story, a part of Dylan’s life from before the baby was born. Each song gives us a glimpse of Dylan’s life we haven’t witnessed before.</p><p>*INDEFINITE HIATUS*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This series has always been close to my heart. There were plenty of ideas to be written in this third installment. But as time passed, my interests changed. Bandom changed. Alex Deleon changed. All of that caused me to never finish this third installment. Maybe someday I'll pick this back up, but for now it's on hiatus.
> 
> About the prologue: this idea is heavily based on a scene from the TV show One Tree Hill, where Peyton gives her unborn daughter a similar speech.

My beautiful daughter,

Hi. I pray to a God I never really believed in that you know who this message is coming from. That I am sitting next to you while you are reading this. And I hope that we can laugh about how worried and scared I am while writing this. Because things are always funnier afterwards. But just in case I didn’t make it, just in case I wasn’t there to see you grow up: Hi, I am your mom. And I love you.

Seeing as how I might not be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I’d give you a little list of the things that I wish for you. Because there are so many things I want you to have and so much advice I have to give you. There’s the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. Love. I want to tell you stories about my life and make sure you know to say please and thank you. I want to share memories with you and help you follow your dreams. I insist that you, my girl, be a dreamer. I wish for you a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there is no better way to learn and to grow. May your life be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some good books and get to share your life with someone who thinks you are wonderful. And don’t forget to make some art. Write or draw or dance or sing or live as only you can.

There are so many different and beautiful forms of art. I myself have been writing and taking pictures for a long time now. But the one form of art that has always been the most important one for me is music. Because over the years I have learned that music always helps. No matter what you are going through. Whether you fail a big test or you have a really bad break-up. Or you just miss someone so bad it hurts. No matter what, I promise music will help you get through it. Trust me on this one, I know this from personal experience. It’s part of the reason your dad and I are both addicted to music. That, and the fact that with him being such an incredible, talented singer and songwriter and me working for Decaydance and Rolling Stone, music is a constant in our lives. Other people will look at a photo and are taken back in time, but for us that’s music. A simple melody, a line in a song. Just a few notes or words are enough to bring back memories and put a smile on our faces.

Oh sweetheart, how I hope that I will be there to tell you all of this in person. But just in case I’m not, I wrote down a list. A list of fifty songs. The Cab, Snow Patrol, John Lennon, Katy Perry. They’re all on there. It’s not just music, it’s music that my life has been set to. Fifty songs, fifty memories that I want you to know about. Fifty stories that will help you get to know me, even if it’s just a little bit.

And if afterwards you decide you want to hear more or if you decide this playlist isn’t your thing and you long for some new music, just walk up to your dad. As you will probably know by the time you are reading this letter, your dad knows an incredible lot about music. So just go to your dad and ask for a story or a song you want to hear. He loves you, from before you were born, and he will not be able to refuse you anything. But for now, just get comfortable and read on about everything I want to tell you.


	2. Marry You (Bruno Mars)

This very first song is reminds me of a story that happened only a few months ago. There are things every girl wants to know about her parents. And I’m pretty sure this is one of those stories about your dad and I that you would love to hear.

It all starts on a hot and humid day in Vegas. I was in Vegas to do an interview for Rolling Stone. They had asked me to interview Bruno Mars. I had gladly accepted the opportunity to meet, in my opinion, one of the best pop singers of the last decade.

Unfortunately, the guy with the beautiful voice turned out to be one of the most obnoxious people walking this planet. On camera he would smile and joke and be incredibly charming. Off camera, not so much. He acted like an idiot during the interview, constantly made sexist comments to me and every other woman in the room and he treated his entourage like dirt.

Needless to say, I was not in a good mood by the time I headed to Alex’s parents place, where I was staying before flying back to mine and Alex’s apartment in New York. To make matters worse I got stuck in a traffic jam. I cursed myself for driving over The Strip on a Friday evening.

When I finally arrived at the house relief dawned on me as I noticed an empty driveway. I was not in a talking mood and glad that I would be able to avoid Alex’s always chipper siblings. I love them, but at nights like that night I just need some peace and quiet.

While walking into the house I briefly wondered if I had forgotten about some event they had planned that day. I tried to remember mentions about a school play or a sports game. I couldn’t recall anything and figured they were probably out to dinner or something equally random. Despite appreciating the time this gave me to relax and forget about my not so great day, I couldn’t help but feel left out just a little bit. I secretly hoped they had at least left a note to let me know where they were going.

In this household it was custom to leave each other notes taped to the fridge, so I quickly made my way into the kitchen. As soon as I had switched on the lights my gaze went to the fridge, only to find it clear of any notes or papers. I was about to scan the countertops for signs of a message left for me when a voice coming from behind made me jump. “They didn’t leave you a note. I asked them to leave us alone for tonight.”

I would recognize that voice anywhere. Without a second thought I spun around and leaped towards Alex. He was just in time to open his arms and catch me. The impact of my jump made him stumble backwards in an effort to stay upright. “Easy there, tiger!” he joked before pulling me in a tight hug.  
The smile on his face was contagious. I felt one form on my own face as my bad mood rapidly disappeared. “I’m sorry!” I apologized while hugging him back. “I’m just really happy to see you. I’ve missed you,” I explained before connecting my lips to Alex’s.

It had been two weeks since I had been able to touch Alex and feel the ever present stubble on his cheeks and smell the perfume I gave him last Christmas. Two incredibly long weeks away from each other resulted in a passionate kiss that turned into a full on make out session that neither of us wanted to stop. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was suddenly very glad that Alex’s family was gone for the night.

Alex was the one to eventually break the kiss to take a much needed breath. We both grinned as we realized I had ended up sitting on the kitchen counter with him standing between my legs.

“So now I know what people mean when they talk about a warm welcome!” Alex informed me with a grin.

I couldn’t help but giggle in response. “I really missed you. So much!” I said before pressing another soft kiss to Alex’s lips. “But what are you even doing here?”

Alex stuck out his lower lip in a pout and asked, “You say that as if you are not happy to see me?”  
I lightly smacked his arm. “You know I am happy to see you, goofball! I’m just surprised, since I wasn’t expecting to see you until the end of the month.”

Alex shrugged in response. He was trying to play it cool, but his rock star attitude was ruined by the pink blush on his cheeks. “Marshall wanted to spend some time with Lucy while she had a few days off from filming. And Joey has his sister’s wedding tomorrow. And I was just really homesick,” he admitted. “So we decided to take a couple of days off from recording and I decided to come to Vegas to visit you.”

After his sweet words I couldn’t even be bothered to tease Alex about his blush. I just smiled, left another soft kiss on his lips and laid my head against his chest. A happy sigh escaped my lips when I felt Alex hug me back. At that moment it didn’t matter that my interview had been horrible, that I got stuck in traffic or that Alex would be leaving again in a couple of days. At that moment I felt exactly where I needed and wanted to be. I felt home.

We just stayed like that for a while in silence, holding on to each other. After what felt like nowhere near long enough, I felt Alex shift. The next moment I heard him mumble in my ear, “So what do you want to do tonight?” Before I could open my mouth he quickly added, “And don’t say you want to stay here like this!” I smiled at how predictable I had become to Alex. Other people always said they had a hard time figuring me out, but to Alex I was an open book. He always could tell what I would do or say.

Smiling into his chest I responded with a small shrug. “That did seem like the most plausible option. But since you’re not up for it… I don’t know actually. It’s not like I already had plans for tonight.” I raised my head from Alex’s chest to look at him and asked, “Anything you want to do?”

Alex’s eyes started to glimmer and I knew he was up to something. However, much to my surprise, he calmly said, “Not really. I just want to spend time with you, it doesn’t really matter what we do.” He stayed silent for a moment and I could see the spark in his eyes brighten. Then he said, “But then again… It’s a beautiful night, so I guess we should be looking for something dumb to do.”

As much as I love to hear Alex sing, I couldn’t help but let out a groan when the song reminded me of the interview earlier that day. Alex immediately shut up when he heard my groan, only to blurt out a second later, “Oh, that’s right, you had your interview with Bruno Mars today! How did it go? I take it the groan isn’t because everything went over so smoothly?”

“Ugh!” was my answer. I banged my head lightly against Alex’s chest at the memory of the interview. “I expected this to go swimmingly, but the guy turned out to be such an ass,” I complained. “But let me tell you, he’s not going to be happy with the print of this meeting. If he thinks he can get away with being a disrespectful douche bag, he’s sourly mistaken.”

For a moment Alex didn’t seem to know how to react to my frustration. But then a large grin appeared on his face as he said, “I love it when you get all feisty like that! But hey, say what you want, that doesn’t make this song less amazing!” I shot Alex a disbelieving look, which he completely ignored. “Oh come on baby!” he pleaded while singing, “It’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you!”

I felt my heart skip a beat when the words ‘marry you’ left Alex’s mouth. We hadn’t talked about getting married very much yet. But I was so incredibly sure that I had found my soul mate in Alex and I knew that I wanted to marry him, so that he could be my forever and always. I just wasn’t really sure if Alex felt the same way. But despite my doubts about Alex’s feelings concerning marriage, when he sang those words I could see it happen. For a split second I envisioned Alex getting down on one knee and pulling out a ring.

The next moment I was awaken from my daydream when Alex grabbed my hands. Still singing, he pulled me off the countertop. He grabbed me close and before I could register what was happening, we were waltzing through his parents’ kitchen.

With Alex singing at the top of his lungs and us dancing through the kitchen in a completely different rhythm than the song he was actually singing I couldn’t help but laugh and be happy. And by the time Alex sang, “Let’s just run, girl!” and actually grabbed my hand before running out the back door, any thought I had had about marriage was long forgotten. I just followed Alex out the door and into the garden.

It had been a particularly hot day, even for Vegas. And even though twilight had almost settled in, it was still pretty warm outside. I tried to free my hand from Alex’s before it would get all sweaty, but he was having none of it. His grip only got tighter as he pulled me along, still singing loudly.

Just as I was about to remark that maybe the neighbors wouldn’t appreciate his serenade very much, Alex stopped singing and came to a halt in front of me. The sudden absence of movement from Alex made me crash right into him. Alex grinned when he turned around but didn’t mention our crash. Instead he quickly pressed a soft kiss to my forehead and gestured for me to go ahead. “After you, milady.”

I realized Alex and his running and skipping had lead us to my favorite spot in the garden. A patch of grass secluded from the rest of the yard by big bushes that had almost overgrown the path leading to it. Alex had shown me this place the night he brought me home to meet his parents for the first time. We had spend many evenings here since then, talking and watching the stars and just being together.

I shot a sweet smile in Alex’s direction before stepping forward to push aside the bushes. I gasped at the sight I was met with at the other side. There were candles everywhere, their shadows dancing on the leaves of nearby bushes. In the middle was a blanket and a picnic basket. As I enjoyed the magic of this place, it struck me that Alex had planned this all. The sweet gesture made a single tear roll down my cheek.

Alex was quick to wipe away the salty water and pushed me forward with a hand on the small of my back. “Do you like it?” he wanted to know when we sat down on the blanket. He sounded almost nervous about hearing my reaction.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked, surprised he even needed to ask me that. “It’s magical and beautiful and perfect! I love it!” I assured him. I pressed a kiss to his lips to strengthen my statement.

A big smile spread across Alex’s lips. “Good. Good to hear you like it so far. And trust me, the evening is only going to get better!” he promised with a glint of mischief in his eyes. The twinkle in his eyes made me wonder what he was up to, but before I could ask he pulled the picnic basket close and took out two glasses and a bottle of champagne. “To us!” he announced when handing me a glass of bubbles. “To us!” I agreed with a smile before lightly bumping my glass to Alex’s.

The rest of our night was spend enjoying the delicious food Alex had brought and enjoying each other. After what seemed like hours, but probably wasn’t nearly as long, the food was gone and the candles were on the verge of going out. Darkness had settled in around us and as happened so often in Vegas, it came with a drop in temperature. Even Alex’s arms around me couldn’t keep me warm anymore. However, even though shivers ran up and down my body I didn’t want to go back inside just yet. Being here with Alex felt perfect and almost magical and I wanted it to last just a little longer. So I sneaked out of Alex’s arms and got up to grab the blanket I had seen in the picnic basket earlier.

When I turned around towards Alex again I couldn’t help but gasp. The blanket dropped from my hand, but I didn’t even realize it until much later. The cold suddenly seemed long forgotten. All I could do was stare at Alex. Because when I least expected it, there he was, sitting in front of me on one knee.

I tried to speak, but Alex shushed me before I could get any further than some nonsense mumbling. “Shh, don’t say a thing, baby. Just let me do the talking.”

After a deep breath he grabbed my left hand in both of his. I could feel the love radiating from his eyes when he looked into mine. I also didn’t miss how his hands were shaking just a bit. It was adorable to see that despite knowing me better than anyone, Alex still was nervous about this.

Another deep breath and then Alex started speaking. “Dylan, I love you,” he said. “You make me a better person. You are smart and funny and so very kind. And when I think of you I don’t think of tears during late night phone calls or missing each other so much it hurt. No, I think of your arms around me, you being there whenever I wanted to give up. You being there through all the trouble with the label. Picking up the pieces without me ever asking you to. You are always able to make me feel better and the world seems so much brighter when you’re around. But mostly when I think of you, I think of the future. You know I have dreams for a huge life for myself. And sometimes I see myself go from zero to hero, while other times there’s a bit of struggle until I can have all my dreams come true. But no matter which path I see myself take, there is one constant. You. Every single one of my dreams, struggling or not, there you are. I know that I am going to be with you for the rest of my life.”

As Alex spoke to me, softly caressing my hand, the world suddenly seemed to get misty. The tears forming in my eyes were making it hard to see. My mind was racing, trying to comprehend that what I wished for not too long ago was coming true now. I blinked furiously trying to get rid of the tears. It was just in time to watch Alex pull a small velvet box out of his pocket and reveal the most beautiful engagement ring I had ever seen. It was more perfect than I could have ever imagined.

“You are the first girl that ever made me feel this way. And I know I’ll never find anyone who is more perfect for me. You’re my best friend and the love of my life. And that’s why I am asking you: will you, Dylan Elizabeth Tanner, do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

For a moment the world seemed to stop around us. All I could see was Alex. And when I looked into his eyes, I expected to see all the moments we had gone through together and memories of the past. But I didn’t. I saw eternity, and a girl that looked a lot like me. And when I sank to my knees crying, reaching out to hug Alex close, whispering, “Yes, yes, yes!” over and over again, I knew that this would be forever. And forever is fine.


	3. Imagine (John Lennon)

Your father and I, we’ve always loved being around people. And lucky for us, people also seem to love being around us. There are so many people that are excited to meet you, even though you’re only a few inches long as I am writing this. And there are so many people that I really hope I get a chance to introduce you to. But, as I’m sure you know, there are always those special few. People that have a special place in your heart, people that mean something important to you, that were there when you reached a milestone in your life. For me, one of those people is Ryan Ross. There’s a pretty good chance you’ll be calling him uncle Ryan, but just in case you don’t, ask your dad about him. And tell your dad he’s an idiot for thinking I would not want Ryan in your life.

But don’t scold him too hard. Because your dad only tries to do what he thinks is best for you. He would only want to keep you away from Ryan to protect you. And I can understand that he wouldn’t want Ryan near you, cause he doesn’t want you to go through any pain like I did.

You see, Ryan and I go back a long time. I knew Ryan long before I ever met your dad. And Ryan did cause me a lot of pain. He caused a lot of people a lot of pain, but I in particular got hit hard. And things have been very rough between us for a long time. We were not on speaking terms and I honestly hated him. But as time passes, feelings can change. And Ryan and I reconnected. Things will never be the same again like they once were. And I don’t want that for us anymore, because I have your father now. But that doesn’t change the fact that this song reminds me of a long time ago, back when we were something and nothing all at once. Before the heartache and the pain, there were beautiful moments too. For the longest time I wasn’t able to listen to this song, because it reminded me of fights and tears. But ever since Ryan and I reconnected, it made me remember days I forgot. Beautiful end of summer days in New York City.

Once upon a time, now almost ten years ago, Ryan used to be the guitarist and lyricist of Panic! at the Disco. The same Panic! at the Disco that Brendon and Spencer are now. Or well, the same and different all at once.

The band was signed to Decaydance right after Spencer and Brendon finished high school, Ryan being in his first semester of college. Ryan dropped out, Spencer and Brendon never went to college, they recorded a handful of demos and before any of them realized, they were on their way to London for a short series of try out shows.

It was in London where I first met all of them. I heard one of their demos on the internet and loved to check out new bands that I thought had an interesting sound, so I went to their show. I can’t quite remember how it happened, but somehow I ended up hanging out with them after the show.

I was fresh out of high school as well and we were young and felt invincible, and most importantly, free. And that the main reason that I ended up spending the summer with them in Vegas, while they finished recording their first album and prepared for the first big tour. It’s also the reason that two days after they finished recording, I found myself in a purple minivan on the road to New York City.

Earlier that same week I had mentioned that I’d always wanted to visit the Big Apple. Brendon and Ryan, crazy as they were, decided they wanted to be my tour guides. Spencer stayed at home, mainly because he was the only one whose parents cared enough about him to forbid him to go on a ridiculous road trip. Brent, Panic’s first bass player, didn’t come along either, because… well, because he was Brent. That would later become his excuse for a lot of things and eventually got him kicked out of the band. But that’s a whole different story.

The drive to the Big Apple. There’s not much to tell you about it, except that it got really boring really quickly. I didn’t have a driver’s license yet, so Brendon and Ryan took turns driving. It made them tired and cranky, a mood only worsened by the lack of AC in Brendon’s minivan. The radio only worked have of the time and the gas stations along the road weren’t nearly as exciting as we expected them to be. Needless to say, we were not in the best mood when we finally arrived in New York after a 36 hour drive. We rented the first reasonably priced hotel room we could find. We crashed on the bed and fell asleep wondering why we ever thought it was a good idea to come to New York.

The next morning I was awaken by the sun falling on my face from a crystal blue sky. Looking around I realized Ryan and I were in the bed, huddled together as his arms were keeping me close. Brendon hadn’t made it any further than the couch before falling asleep. Four stories below us I could hear the city bustling with life. I sneaked out of Ryan’s arm and made my way to the window. As I looked down on the people and the city below us, I remembered why I wanted to come to New York. I felt alive again.

After a quick breakfast the guys took me by the hand – or Ryan did, Brendon mainly skipped ahead of us happily – and out onto the streets. We spent the next two days doing as touristy things as possible in our short stay. We started by taking a boat and visiting Liberty Island and the statue of Lady Liberty. I was taken on a horse carriage ride in Central Park. The guys showed me around Bloomingdale’s without complaining, I even suspect they might have been more excited about it than I was. As much as they wanted to, the guys were not able to buy me pricey gifts or spoil me, since they were not wealthy rockstars just yet. So instead they decided to spoil me with one of the most beautiful sunsets I saw in my life. Seeing the sun sink behind the city skyline from the top of the Empire State Building is one of the most magical views I ever got.

New York was rapidly claiming a place in my heart and that feeling only grew stronger when Ryan surprised me with tickets to go see West Side Story on Broadway. A lot of rock music fans don’t care for musicals, but I have always had a soft spot for the genre. When I still lived in London I divided my time between seeing rock bands play concerts and watching musical theatre at West End. Hence, I was incredibly excited that I would get to see a play on Broadway, at the roots of American musical theatre. The fact that it would be just Ryan and I for the night only made me more excited.

The musical was everything I ever imagined it would be and more. The scenery was beautiful. And the cast was absolutely amazing, with wonderful, powerful voices. We were lucky enough to meet some of them at the stage doors after the show and I was amazed by how genuinely friendly they were. When we were walking back to our hotel, our hands casually linked between us, I couldn’t help but stare at everything around me. New York really is the city that never sleeps and even late at night it is crowded with people and you are constantly surrounded by noise and lights. Other people often find the city too busy and crowded, but I just felt alive and full of energy. That night, while trying to take in as much as my surroundings as possible, I knew I had fallen in love with the Big Apple and that the current visit was only the first of many.

Even though there was so much more to see and do in New York, the fifth day of our short trip was supposed to be used to drive back to Vegas, as the guys needed to get back home for discussions about album artwork and photoshoots for the album booklet. And we did leave New York that day, but Ryan insisted there was one more spot we needed to see before leaving. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and assured him that whatever he wanted to show me would not be able to top the previous night. Brendon, however, immediately realized what Ryan was talking about. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that. You are going to love it,” he assured me when I mentioned the previous night.

It was only when we entered a particular part of Central Park that I realized where Ryan wanted to take me. Strawberry Fields Memorial, the memory of the late John Lennon. “You cannot visit New York without coming to Strawberry Fields. Not if you are a music lover like us.” Ryan explained his reasoning. I believe in the power of music and I have always been a big fan of John Lennon, and the Beatles in general, so I couldn’t help but agree with Ryan.

At first I didn’t say much. I spend some time taking pictures of the mosaic. I stared off in the distance, making out the Dakota apartments and wondering how many times Lennon must have walked these grounds.

Eventually I put away my camera and moved close to Ryan. When I stood in front of him he automatically put his arms around my waist. I put mine around his neck and stood on my tiptoes to whisper in his ear, “Brendon was right. I love it. And you are right, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this for the world. Thank you so much for taking me here. You are amazing, Ryan!”

Ryan didn’t say anything in response, but as I rested my head against his chest, I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head. I could feel him smile and I knew he enjoyed this moment just as much as I did.

We stood there cuddling for a few moments, staring at the mosaic in a peaceful silence. And it was in that moment that I realized I felt so much more for Ryan than just friendship. I hadn’t really thought about it before that moment. Ryan and I had grown very close in the short period that we knew each other. And although neither of us questioned the meaning of our feelings before, there were enough stolen kisses in moments where we thought nobody was watching and skin on skin covered by the darkness of night to make us more than just friends. And at this particular moment, holding Ryan close, it hit me that I might be falling in love with the boy who had his arms around me.

Standing there at the Strawberry Fields Memorial, it could have been one of those life altering moments. And for a long time I would look back on that moment and wonder what would have happened if our moment hadn’t gotten interrupted. My life afterwards might have looked a lot different if the moment had lasted a little longer. Better or worse, I’m still not sure about that. And I will never know either. Because when I considered telling Ryan how I felt, but before I could open my mouth to do so, I got reminded that we were with Brendon.

Brendon always knows how to interrupt a special moment. Make out sessions in dark corners, important interviews, even a wedding proposal. You name it and there’s a good chance Brendon has ruined at least one already. In this particular moment he decided to interrupt any thoughts I might have had about love and the future by bursting out into a song. He chose this moment to start a song that couldn’t have been more fitting for this place, belting out, “Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too!”

I was about to turn around to look at Brendon, but I felt Ryan’s body stiffen. When I looked up at his face I saw his eyes quickly taking in our surroundings. I realized he suddenly felt uncomfortable, weary about getting any unwanted attention. I lightly brushed my fingers over the back of his neck, almost tickling him. I felt a shiver go through him, but he did also focus on me again. When he met my gaze I smiled at him in an effort to stop him from worrying. “Relax,” I mouthed to him while gently letting my fingers massage the back of his neck. Soon enough, his body relax again.

I did turn around then to look at Brendon and realized he was dancing around the mosaic and a laugh escaped my lips. “You’re such a dreamer, mormon boy!” I jokingly yelled in his direction.

Brendon continued dancing as if he didn’t hear me, but I noticed him coming in our direction. A laugh was evident in his voice when he continued on with the song. “You may say I’m a dreamer,” he sang while tapping my nose lightly with his index finger. “But I’m not the only one!” he added before dancing away again.

Suddenly it was my turn to have a shiver run down my spine, as I felt a hot breath tickle my ear. “I hope someday you’ll join us,” Ryan sang along to Brendon in his usual monotone.

When I turned around at Ryan again I expected to see a smile matching my own. Instead I was met with a very serious expression. The look on Ryan’s face made me frown in confusion, but before I could say anything he already said, “I mean it, you know. About you joining us. We leave on tour in a couple of weeks. It would be amazing if you came along.” He smiled at me enthusiastically and paused a moment. I could almost see the gears turning in his head. “You could handle the merch or something.”

Ryan enthusiastic smile should have been contagious, but was anything but. The dismissive way he waved his hand when he talked about me possible handling the merch made me feel a little nauseous. Him suggesting such a thing in such a tone made me feel like Ryan didn’t know me at all. It was only much later that I realized Ryan didn’t care for my feelings very much at the time. He just wanted to make himself happy.

And me, I did the same. I knew my next words would wipe the smile of Ryan’s face. But I had to say them, because I felt my own happiness depended on them.

“I can’t do that, Ryan,” I said, voice coming out almost a whisper. I couldn’t look him in the eyes when I spoke. “I have my own dreams I want to follow. You know that. And being a merch girl isn’t one of them.”

Ryan didn’t answer me. He didn’t let go of me either, but I felt his body stiffen again. When I finally dared to take a quick glance at his face I found him staring at Brendon in the distance. I just let out a sigh before focusing on Brendon as well. The rest of our time in New York, as well as the ride back to Vegas were mostly spend in silence, Ryan and I both wrapped up in our own thoughts.

For the longest time afterwards, I wondered why I didn’t bother to defend my opinion to Ryan. For the longest time I thought that if I had explained, talked to him, things would have turned out differently. But looking back, I realize now that it wouldn’t have mattered. While the previous cuddling together moment wasn’t life changing, this one was. Because it was in that moment that I realized Ryan and I would never be a real couple. We were too different. Ryan wasn’t looking for a girl with dreams of her own. He didn’t want somebody who stood up to him. Not as a girlfriend at least. And although I didn’t expect things to come crashing down only days later, I knew in that moment that this particular once upon a time would not end happily ever after.


End file.
